Sunday, December 2, 2012

The one where I post about Infertility

One serious post, and then I'm back to writing fluff.

I love the holidays, and for the last two years, the holidays have been some of the hardest times for me. You see, I've been going through fertility treatments for the past two years. Unsuccessfully. Last year I thought the sadness would kill me. We had just found out that our first round of IVF didn't work and I was devastated. Then we had the fires that burned my neighbors houses down, and personal issues, and I almost lost it.

2012 has been a very good year for me and Mr. Bee. We've been able to spend quality time together, go on some fun trips, and even bought a house of our own. We're very blessed, and even though things are tough right now, I can't deny how blessed we really are to have each other.

A few weeks ago, I went through a 2nd IVF attempt. And it worked. I've never been so happy to see two pink lines in my life. For a week, we were ecstatically happy. We were cautiously optimistic, but happy. We thought about all the things that normal parents would think about, like names, what they'll look like, and plans for our future. Then I learned I was having a chemical pregnancy. I was devastated. We were devastated. And I guess I still am.

At my last doctor's appointment, he said that this was really my last try. My medical conditions and health issues seem to be inhibiting my ability to get and stay pregnant, no matter what they throw at me. And at this point it looks like my only hope is a gestational carrier, or surrogate.

This year the holidays are hard again. I hold back tears when I see happy people with their kids at the mall. I get emotional watching Teen Mom (ok, who doesn't feel a plethora of emotions when watching that show?). I cry watching Elf. I think about how we'd be announcing to our family members around Christmas that we'd be having our first baby, one that we've wanted and prayed for for so long. And how every year following we'd have our child to help us decorate, watch Christmas movies, get excited for Santa to come, and do all of these things that I read about in other blogs.

I want everyone to know that even though I'm sad, I'm happy for all of my friends who have kids. You're all amazing moms and even though it hurts to know that we're in different places in our lives right now, I'm glad that we have been able to maintain our friendships.

Mr. Bee and I have decided to pursue surrogacy. We met with an agency, and the owner of the agency has already agreed to carry for us. That someone could do something so selfless for us gives me such hope. Hope that maybe next Christmas or the year after, our dreams of adding to our family and creating new memories might just be tangible.

Because fertility treatments have depleted our savings, it's going to be a while before we can pursue surrogacy. I'll keep updating as soon as we can move forward, but I just wanted to get all of this off my chest and thank you all for your support. I have an indiegogo account on my sidebar, but honestly, I feel kind of tacky posting it, especially when there are such more deserving people out there who need donations.

Anyway, I think all of you (especially those who have gotten this far!), and I promise this blog won't be all doom and gloom.


  1. Oh honey, I"m praying for you and sending big prayers!! xoxo

  2. I can't even imagine now hard that must be. Wanting something more than life itself and there is really nothing you can do, it can't be forced. I know hr family will grow. Thinking of you all.

  3. sending you hugs and good thoughts and lots of prayers. i can't imagine going through what you've been through, but you'll be an amazing mama one day!

  4. Hugs and prayers sent your way! I feel your pain, really. This year especially has been so hard with seeing so many people welcome new babies into their worlds or announce that one is on the way. It's a stab to my heart with each new announcement. I'm so sorry IVF didn't work out. We have not gone that far, and not sure if we will. Hoping God has a plan for us, and I know he has one for you two as well!! Keep your head up, hoping for good things to come your (our!) way!

  5. So sorry you've had to wait so long for something you want so much! Hopefully it is closer than you think and I wish you the best things and great news in 2013!!

  6. Oh Katie, asking for help is not tacky. You have spent two years trying to do what should be the simplest, easiest thing in the world for a woman to do for her family, provide life. You have tried everything possible to make this happen and it just has not panned out. You deserve this surrogacy. You need donations, too. You and Mr. Bee, believe it or not, are right up there with all of those other "deserving people." Seriously. Please know that. Thank you for being so honest in this post.


  7. Thank you all so much for your support! This is one of the toughest things I've gone through and keeping it to myself for the past few years has been really hard. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  8. I am a new follower! I am soo sorry for your struggle. I unfortunately share the same pain. I will be following along your journey via BlogLovin.

    Wish you the best and I look forward to learning more about you!