Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hi there.

Long time no see!

I've been off the horse for a while, and I'm thinking about getting back into the rodeo. Or at least dipping my toe in the dirt. Or [fill in your own metaphor].

The past few months I've been away have been filled with tremendous downs, then things started to be on the upswing again. It looks like we'll be in Nevada for a while, and may even buy a house! We have jobs that are going well, Mr. Bee's mom moved up here, we have great families and friends, and happy fur kids. When I don't think about fertility, things actually seem to be going well. Even my health has been so much better (knock on wood).

When I do sit and think about everything we've been through, I'm emotional. Things have gotten so much better, but I'll get set off by little things like watching an adorable little girl dancing with her mom on America's Got Talent, or pictures of everyone's babies on Twitter. And I'm so happy for them, but I want it to be me. And I wonder if it will ever be me.

I don't have one of those situations where people suggest doing multiple IVFs because it just hasn't seemed to "stick" yet. There are odds, and sometimes you're at the wrong side of the odds. In my case, my lining doesn't grow. No amount of odds is going to help that. 

We went to a specialist in San Francisco this week. Even though I was trying to keep my expectations down, I had high hopes. I wanted so badly for him to be "The Wizard of Oz" who was able to easily fix me, or even have an answer. And really, I think he mostly just felt bad for me. In fact, he didn't even charge me for my appointment, which was incredibly generous of him.

Basically, his thought is that I don't react to treatment. Viagra is the treatment that is usually prescribed as a last-ditch effort to help grow the lining, and that didn't help. This specialist suggested trying Human Growth Hormone, as I may have an undiagnosed pituitary issue, and he's seen it work in a patient with similar symptoms to me.

It hurts to get my hopes up, when the odds are so stacked against me. It hurts to even think about trying again just because this process is so hard on me, hard on my husband, and hard on our families. I feel like a failure because I can't just get pregnant, when it's something so easy and fundamental to so many people. I want my husband to get to be a father. He'll be such a good dad and I hate that I feel like I'm robbing him of this. I want to give my parents grandkids, and I want my parents to be around to see them grow up. I want to be able to buy a house and know that the extra rooms that we pay for aren't going to be empty forever. Just thinking about going through this all again, my heart hurts so much I can't even describe the pain and longing that goes along in this process for me. In reality, I think it will all come down to pay for a surrogate, which is not something that would be feasible for us for many years.

I'm sorry for the vent - This was supposed to be a catch-up post, and not a "woe is me" post. I do have lots of good things in my life, but my ultimate dream has always been to be a mom, and it's so hard to wrestle with the fact that it might not even be in the cards for me.

I have no idea if anyone still reads this blog, but at least writing is cathartic for me. 

Monday, June 18, 2012

SF and Ren Faire Re-Cap

If you read my last post, I've been crazy on the house hunt, but found a little bit of time for fun too. We spent the weekend with my dear friend and freshman roomie, Sarah. She's a total foodie and a great tour guide. We had a blast exploring Sausalito!

I can't believe we've been friends for 10 years. I'm so old.

A random man put this snake around my neck at Tyler Florence.

I let Mr. Bee wear my hat. He looks pretty swell.
 Also, I love this tunic. Thank you Charter Club.

The weekend before, Mr. Bee took me to the Renaissance Faire in Lake Tahoe. We met up with a few of his law friends, and made some new friends along the way. First, there was this man dressed like a tree. I was super excited about his costume, until I found out he was trying to put a giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach on me.

 Luckily, Mr. Bee came to the rescue.


Jerry Garcia wears the Sorting Hat.
We ended the day riding a giant wooden rocking horse.

So there was a lot of silliness, house hunting, good friends, good food, and other things.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Hive Hunting

I've been a bad blogger because...Mr. Bee and I found out that we won't be able to stay in our rental another year. Because of that, we're looking into buying a home out here.

I love HGTV, and the show House Hunters is a blast to watch, but when you have to be out of your current home by the end of August, it makes it a little hard to wait on your "dream home." Our life has just recently been pretty much completely consumed by looking at houses. Except for going to the Renaissance Faire in Lake Tahoe last weekend, which I'll definitely be blogging about.

Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me and Mr. Bee (prayers would be great too!) Let the Hive Hunting begin!