Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Wishes

...and may you kiss someone super hot at midnight!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Jealousy and 2013

I made it through Christmas mostly ok. Minor breakdown, but overall had a great time with my husband and family.

The thing that got me today was finding out that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a baby together. Someone who is still married to another man and is famous for making a sex tape is pregnant.

I agree with this quote whole-heartedly, and in 2013, I'm going to try my hardest to stop being jealous. It's hard being at the age where everyone is starting to have kids and wanting to be so happy for everyone. Happy to get their Christmas cards and baby announcements. And I love to see them, but boy, do they tear me up inside.

I didn't really have any New Years Resolutions, but my goal is to try to stop being jealous of everyone else's families and be happy with what I do have. I know that things will work out for us eventually, they have to. It's just a long road and so many dead ends and so many tears. But I have to believe that things will work out, that we'll have our children, just not on our timeframe.

Along with it being Christmas, it's been hard thinking that around now, we'd be telling our friends and families that we were pregnant. This is a little TMI, but I was hoarding a positive pregnancy test until last night, when I had to toss it during a cleaning frenzy. And I have to mourn the fact that I will probably never have that again. That I won't be able to carry our children, and that we might not even be able to have biological children. And that hurts, so very much.

I'm praying that 2013 brings more happiness than heartache for everyone. I pray that we're able to find and afford a surrogate sometime sooner rather than later. And I'm thankful for all of you who have been supporting us through all of this. So if I don't say it enough, thank you.

Christmas Catch-Up

Christmas almost didn't happen, at least in the sense that the snow almost blocked us from getting to L.A. to see our families. Fortunately, Mr. Bee is a No Limit Soldier, and drove 22 hours through the elements to get us home. He is my hero.

So happy I got to see these faces while I was back!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Christmas Parties to the Max

I've had a whirlwind week of Christmas party after Christmas party, and now I'm spent! Between 2 work parties, an Alpha Phi party, and one with friends, I'm officially ready to call it a year.

Not that I didn't have a blast all week, it's just going to be a long recovery.

Me and my Alpha Phi sisters

Cheesin' it up in front of the Jets shrine
Tomorrow we'll be spending 10+ hours of merriment in the car with the dogs as we drive to my family's house for Christmas. I'm so excited to see them! If I don't get back on here before the holidays, I'm wishing all of you guys a very merry Christmas!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Who is Gossip Girl?

The Gossip Girl series finale is tonight, and we'll finally know the answer to who Gossip Girl really is.

Vote for your choice below!

Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world's leading questionnaire tool.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Prayer in Schools

I've read so many things the past two days blaming the school shootings on the lack of prayer in school. And I promise I'll stop writing about this after this post, but I just don't believe that a lack of prayer has anything to do with a sick person who murdered innocent people and children.

God is everywhere, and just because people don't pray in schools doesn't mean that God isn't there. We live in a country of mixed religions and ethnicities, and I believe it's closed-minded to insist that all children have to pray to one god. That doesn't mean that people shouldn't pray, or that people shouldn't go to church, or encourage their children to stop at anytime during their day and pray to God. But I do think it's wrong to say that this tragedy has anything to do with prayer in schools.

A friend of mine posted this today on Facebook, and I couldn't agree more.

"Some of my facebook friends are insinuating that God didn't protect the children in Conneticut because "prayer isn't allowed in schools." Would you please think about what you are saying and how completely absurd your point is? This is not the time to push an agenda. If you believe in prayer, then PRAY. The Bible says WE are the temple of the Holy Spirit....NOT a building. 

If you believe that God caused the innocent children to be slaughtered or somehow failed to stop it because the prinicipal didn't start off the day with a Christian prayer over the intercom, you have a warped and un-Biblical view of who He is. You want prayer in school? Then teach your kids that they can pray anytime and anywhere. It's YOUR responsibility to do that....not a public school teacher or any other institution other than the church."

I think for now we should focus on keeping the families of those touched by this incident in our hearts and our prayers.


Friday, December 14, 2012


Today I came back from a meeting at work to hear that someone murdered children and adults at an elementary school in Connecticut.

My heart hurts so badly to know that someone could be so evil to kill innocent people, especially children. This school is 30 minutes from where I grew up in Connecticut. I have so many good memories of growing up in a safe, small town, and I can't even wrap my mind around how this happened. I talked to one of my cousin's this week who was thinking about moving to Connecticut with his wife and son and wanted to know how it was to grow up there. So much has changed in a few hours.

Please pray for the children and families affected today by the tragedy. Hug your loved ones tonight. If anyone is aware of ways that bloggers can help these people, please comment below so I can share.

O God, we pray for those who have been murdered on the streets of our city. We commit to your loving care those who have died, beseeching you to receive their souls into the mercy of your love. Comfort their loved ones who mourn. Enable them to meet the lonely and painful days ahead in the strength of your love. Let the love that you have made known to us lead us to create safer streets for all to walk upon. Amen.

$8 Candles at Bath and Body Works

I'm admitting right now that I have gotten little to no holiday shopping done lately. I am a slacker and I am ashamed.

Fortunately, I got an email from Bath and Body Works this morning advertising $8 3-wick candles in store today! If you've been living under a rock most of your life, I'm happy to tell you these are some of the best candles ever. They fill your house with good smells and happiness. And they are the perfect holiday gift!

These suckers usually sell for $20 each, so this is a great bargain. My absolute favorite candle is the French Baguette, but for winter, the Fresh Balsam has also been a winner (and even makes my fake tree smell real!)

So if you're going to be the Oprah of candles like I am this year, today is the day to take advantage of this.

You're getting a candle! And you're getting a candle! 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Beating the no Baby Blues

The past two years have been really tough getting through the holidays. People posting pictures of their babies looking at Christmas lights, opening presents, and I think of that void in my life I found this great article called "Beating the no Baby Blues," which offers some helpful tips about getting through the times when not having a child is unbearable.

"The point is that there is no magic bullet that will destroy what is trying to destroy you--whether it be cancer, infertility, divorce, or loneliness. Without implementing positive strategies for dealing with adversity, sooner or later, we are bound to become undone. And so, in the spirit of the holidays, I share the things I’ve found most helpful.

 1.) Go for a hike. Fresh air and exercise are a time-honored prescription for feeling better.
2.) Cry. Opening up to what hurts is one way of making sure it doesn’t take you down.
3.) Hug your ________ (husband, dog, sister, mom, dad, cat, best friend) and tell them you love them. I believe the energy you put out into the world is the energy you get back.
4.) Take charge of your life by mapping out goals and options. Is adoption feasible? Does your acupuncturist know of anyone who might surrogate for you?
5.) Give yourself a break. Take the rock out of your shoe and put it in a mental box. Tie it up with a brightly colored bow and store it in a dark corner of your mind. When you unwrap it again next year, perhaps you’ll have a new perspective."

Here's the rest of the article from Suzanne Rico:

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

New Journey - Surrogacy

Today we had our "WTF" appointment with our reproductive doctor, which is never fun to go to. This one in particular was harder than the rest.

We talked about how even though I was able to get pregnant, my lining issues made it so I wouldn't be able to carry the pregnancy. He feels the best option for us is to go the surrogacy route. Even though I knew in my heart that was going to be his answer, it still hurt.

The good news (silver lining) is that we have 4 embryos left, and they are all good quality. He was especially optimistic that because I was able to get pregnant, that the real problem is just my uterus, and not the embryos. So yay embryos!

Our next steps are to save money (a lot of it) and either go the agency route, or find an independent surrogate. My doctor is saying that an ideal surrogate would already have had successful pregnancies, be healthy, and between 20-35.

Right now I'm just thankful for everyone's support, because this is not fun, and it's not ideal. But it's bearable. I need to have patience, which is something that is not easy for me. I keep thinking that if my last IVF cycle had gone well that we could have been telling people around Christmas which is just around the corner. I have friends that are announcing their August 2013 pregnancies, which is after my "due date". Little things pop up that remind me that I'll never be pregnant. But I feel more ok knowing that my doctor is confident in our embryos, and that surrogacy will work for us. Plus, if NPH used surrogacy, it must be awesome.

Thanks for listening and thanks for all of your kind words and good thoughts, they mean the world to me.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Christmas Cards

Finally got our Christmas cards out this weekend. Happy holidays from the whole family!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Blog Sale!

Feel free to make offers! All money will go to my surrogacy fund. Shipping is $5 per item.
Contact for questions or purchases.

Hollister Shirt - Size M - $10

Tunic Dress - $15

F21 Maxi Dress - Size M - $20

Mary L. evening gown - $100. NWT.

                                                              Size 6 Dress - $20

                                                                Tunic - Size 4 - $15

                                                            H&M shift dress - M - SOLD

                                                      Lilly Pulitzer Nightgown - $25

                                                     Tory Burch Revas - Size 9 - SOLD

                                                     Seersucker JCrew Dress - Size 8

                         Ralph Lauren Blackwatch Plaid Dress - PENDING SALE

                                 F21 Shift Dress - Size M - $15 (Worn once to a garden party)

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Holidays Start Here

December is a busy month for so many of us. Not only do we celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or Ramadan or the end of the world, but there are so many parties and events to attend!

I kicked off December volunteering with Junior League for the holiday home tours last weekend. The tour is hosted by Step 2, which provides substance abuse treatments to women looking to rebuild their lives. The home tours are so much fun to volunteer with because you get to see so many great holiday decorations, and even get decor tips (like Pinterest IRL!).

Up next there's the Junior League Poinsettia Luncheon, Young Professionals Christmas Party, ugly sweater parties, cookie and ornament exchanges, and so much more before finally celebrating Christmas with my family. I love staying busy, and can't wait to enjoy all the upcoming festivities, even though I'll have to sleep for the following month to get my energy back.

What are your holiday plans? Are you doing any volunteering?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The one where I post about Infertility

One serious post, and then I'm back to writing fluff.

I love the holidays, and for the last two years, the holidays have been some of the hardest times for me. You see, I've been going through fertility treatments for the past two years. Unsuccessfully. Last year I thought the sadness would kill me. We had just found out that our first round of IVF didn't work and I was devastated. Then we had the fires that burned my neighbors houses down, and personal issues, and I almost lost it.

2012 has been a very good year for me and Mr. Bee. We've been able to spend quality time together, go on some fun trips, and even bought a house of our own. We're very blessed, and even though things are tough right now, I can't deny how blessed we really are to have each other.

A few weeks ago, I went through a 2nd IVF attempt. And it worked. I've never been so happy to see two pink lines in my life. For a week, we were ecstatically happy. We were cautiously optimistic, but happy. We thought about all the things that normal parents would think about, like names, what they'll look like, and plans for our future. Then I learned I was having a chemical pregnancy. I was devastated. We were devastated. And I guess I still am.

At my last doctor's appointment, he said that this was really my last try. My medical conditions and health issues seem to be inhibiting my ability to get and stay pregnant, no matter what they throw at me. And at this point it looks like my only hope is a gestational carrier, or surrogate.

This year the holidays are hard again. I hold back tears when I see happy people with their kids at the mall. I get emotional watching Teen Mom (ok, who doesn't feel a plethora of emotions when watching that show?). I cry watching Elf. I think about how we'd be announcing to our family members around Christmas that we'd be having our first baby, one that we've wanted and prayed for for so long. And how every year following we'd have our child to help us decorate, watch Christmas movies, get excited for Santa to come, and do all of these things that I read about in other blogs.

I want everyone to know that even though I'm sad, I'm happy for all of my friends who have kids. You're all amazing moms and even though it hurts to know that we're in different places in our lives right now, I'm glad that we have been able to maintain our friendships.

Mr. Bee and I have decided to pursue surrogacy. We met with an agency, and the owner of the agency has already agreed to carry for us. That someone could do something so selfless for us gives me such hope. Hope that maybe next Christmas or the year after, our dreams of adding to our family and creating new memories might just be tangible.

Because fertility treatments have depleted our savings, it's going to be a while before we can pursue surrogacy. I'll keep updating as soon as we can move forward, but I just wanted to get all of this off my chest and thank you all for your support. I have an indiegogo account on my sidebar, but honestly, I feel kind of tacky posting it, especially when there are such more deserving people out there who need donations.

Anyway, I think all of you (especially those who have gotten this far!), and I promise this blog won't be all doom and gloom.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Juliana Update

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you've probably seen me post about my friend, Juliana. She's such an amazing girl (and Alpha Phi sister), and she's been dealing with severe health problems including POTS, Lyme, heart, and auto-immune issues.

Here's an update from her yesterday that broke my heart. She's been there for me through so many hard times when I've been sick, or dealing with hard things, and it kills me that I can't do more for her. If you have any spare prayers, can you please send them her way?

She hasn't been able to blog for a while, but here's her site:

P.S. It looks like the video doesn't show up on the mobile site for some reason. 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Surrogacy: The Next Step

We're still hurting from the chemical pregnancy, but I feel like we have some hope now.

Tonight we met with a surrogacy agency that we really liked and would like to work with. We still have four embryos left, so we would probably not need to complete a new IVF cycle. Costs would just be to the surrogate, the agency, and for medical expenses. It looks like we're still pretty far away from being able to afford surrogacy since we're still down and out from fertility payments, but at least we have some hope.

I don't think anyone envisions that they'll one day have a baby via surrogate. It's not ideal, and I wish I were the one getting pregnant. But I'm ok with working with any hurdles that will get us closer to having our children. I'm hoping that the focus of this blog gets to become a bit more uplifting, as even though I'll have things going on in my life that won't always be pleasant, I feel like the chance at a positive outcome is so much greater.

I don't know why this has happened to us, but I know that there is a reason for everything, and that someone will be brought into my life for a reason to carry our child. And waiting for that will be exciting, and scary.  

I'm sleepy and rambling, but I just wanted to get my feelings out about this new "chapter" in our lives. And thank Mr. Bee for always being the most wonderful, supportive husband I could ever ask for. And thank our family and friends for being so darn supportive. Having you all there for us this last week during our loss made things much less hard. 

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Thanksgiving with the Bees

Thanksgiving was bittersweet at the Bee house this year, but our families did get to come share the holiday with us, which was wonderful. We had a fun-filled week of food, Reno adventures, Black Friday shopping, blackjack, and lots of animals.

I miss my family already and wished they all lived closer!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Back at 1

My 2nd beta tests came back in yesterday at a whopping 1, which means I'm having a chemical pregnancy. The pain of having this not work, coupled by knowing that this time was probably the only time that I'll ever be pregnant in my life is unbearable. But I'm resilient, and I have a great support system.

I'll go back to the doctor in December, but I'm really leaning towards surrogacy at this point. I don't know if I can take the pain of loss and the feeling that I'm just throwing away my money and embryos, when it could be that having another person carry our children is the best option. It's also probably a better decision because of my POTS syndrome, which could give me some awful setbacks if I was pregnant.

No one ever wants to go this route. It feels like giving up, and the disappointment that you can't carry your own children is awful. I have no idea where to even begin earning the money needed for surrogacy, but I'm hoping it will all come together. I did find an agency where I live that seems to be a great fit, so I'm thankful for that.

If you have any great "get rich quick" schemes, or you've recently robbed a bank and feel really guilty about it, and want to serve your penance by shipping the money to me, I'm not above anything at this point. :)

Thanks again for all the love and support, it means the world to me. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Almost Pregnant

I hadn't hit publish on my last post because I was waiting for my beta blood test results.

Sunday night I was still getting positive pregnancy tests. I had even taken a digital test that said "PREGNANT!" Mr. Bee and I were so excited, that for a little while I even stopped worrying about my blood test. I felt pregnant. I had gotten about 5 days of positive results, and this was going to be it for us. I've never gotten a positive anything before, so we were excited, even though there were so many hurdles up ahead. 

Yesterday I had my beta HCG test and got a 7.9. My office considers anything above a 5 a positive, but from reading on the internet, my numbers should have at least been around 50. Anything even close to 20 was considered a chemical pregnancy. My doctor's office told me that the only thing that matters is that the number doubles on Wednesday, but I know that this isn't going to be it for us.

I went home and cried my face off. Mr. Bee came home early and let me be a complete mess. I called my mom who told me to keep hope, but for me it's much easier to lose hope and if something miraculous happens tomorrow, that would just be an added bonus. I have dealt with so much disappointment that it's hard to keep my head up.

Yesterday and today I've had much worse cramping than I did last week, and I am not expecting good news tomorrow. Thank you for everyone's words of encouragement and prayers, it really did help going through all of this with people knowing what was going on.

So from here, we'll probably meet with my RE again to discuss options, but it's looking more and more like surrogacy will be our only option, and who knows how long it will take to save for that (surrogacy normally costs around $100K). I feel pretty hopeless, but I know that somehow we'll eventually have kids. Even if it takes forever. 

6dp5dt - Faintest of Faint Lines!!!!

I've been feeling pretty awful since the transfer, but chalked it up to all the medication I'm taking. Yesterday I was lightheaded and nauseous all day, and the only thing I wanted to eat was popcorn. I had accidentally left some turkey chili in my car from lunch and when I got in my car and smelled it I had to use every ounce of willpower I had not to throw up. Sorry for the visual, but it was not fun.

I laid down once I got home last night and Mr. Bee started talking to me about his day, and I literally had to tell him that with every word I felt more sick to my stomach. I'm sure I'm fun to be around! Anyway, around 1am I had to use the restroom and kept telling myself to think positive, and that there was still a chance to get a positive test. I even made a mental note to myself to remember that I was watching Duck Dynasty so I could tell future Baby Bee that I found out I was pregnant while watching trashy TV. So I tested and didn't see anything. I was bummed, but was hoping it was still early. Being my neurotic self, I took another look at the stick and saw the faintest of faint lines. I then spent a good hour or so holding it up to the light, taking pictures and playing with the contrast, and tons of other zany things that probably only I would think of.

When Mr. Bee woke up, I showed him and asked him to carefully scrutinize it, and he said he saw it too. Or he may have been placating me because I did tell him the night before that his words made me sick. At lunch today, I ran home and tested again, and saw a slightly darker second line! I wasn't going completely crazy!

As I mentioned before, I've never seen a second line except once as kind of a joke. I want to run around and jump up and down and tell everyone, "HEY! TWO LINES! I'M MAYBE KIND OF PREGNANT!" I know that things are still early and I could wake up tomorrow and have one line again, or have a crappy beta, and I don't want to set myself up for failure. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't believe that this could finally be "IT" for me and Mr. Bee. We've talked about kids from when we met 8 years ago, and I've wanted nothing more than to have kids with him. I'm keeping everything in the world crossed right now. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Update - 5dp5dt

I went in for my second FET last Friday and transferred two embryos. We've been on break for about a year from treatments, and this time we tried an experimental treatment called Neupogen that I asked my doctor about last year and he started using.

I had been pretty hopeful about things until I started testing yesterday at 4dp5dt and got a negative. Then I rode the roller coaster of emotions all day long and went from telling myself, "It's ok, it's still early" to, "You're going to be barren and childless your whole life". It's a fun ride, I swear.

So then I promised myself I'd wait another two days, but when I woke up today, I tested again. I blame it on a lack of sleep. 5dp5dt (which is the equivalent of about 10 days post ovulation, for those of you who don't have to know the infertility lingo) and it was still stark white. One line.

I know that people get positive tests all the time later, but after consulting with Dr. Internet, who is never wrong, it looks like today is the day the majority of the people find out that they are pregnant. In fact, those people are complaining about faint lines. I'd love a faint line just so I knew what a line looked like! I think the only time I ever saw a line was when I still had my HCG trigger and I used an cheap internet test just to see what it would look like.

So here I wait in 2ww hell, either to wait until my beta test on Monday, or jump off a roof. I had almost forgotten how devastating this whole process is. I think the other reason I feel like this is because my doctor isn't feeling very confident about treatment, and before the FET mentioned that the only other suggestions he has are to try a cycle much like going through a whole IVF cycle with Femara but without getting eggs, because that's when my lining was thickest, or get a surrogate. I thought that asking my doctor's office about surrogacy would make me feel better, but it made me feel 10 times worse. They literally said, "it's a chunk of change if you don't have a relative or friend to carry it for you," because you have to total in agency costs, legal, medication, IVF, cost to the carrier, and the cost of medical bills without insurance. In my mind I saw Scrooge McDuck with dollar signs for eyes jumping into a large pile of gold coins I don't have.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I'd love to have some good news to report, but I'm feeling a bit hopeless right now.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Christmas Bow Earrings

Even after yesterday's post, I promise I'm not all bah humbug. In fact, I'm obsessed with these festive holiday earrings that look like bows on a Christmas present.

Kate Spade - $45
Unfortunately, the Kate Spade earrings I was in love with were sold out at Nordstroms. Fortunately, Lilly Pulitzer came out with a pair of similar earrings that are available. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of earrings emotions!

And, these bad boys also come in black and pink. It's like the Grinch saved Christmas!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Holiday Decorations

Last night I asked Twitter if there was a reason it seems like everyone is putting their Christmas decorations up early this year. Some people said that they've always done it that way, and I'm just curious what everyone's traditions are.

I know with all of the Christmas commercials starting around Halloween it's made me want to wait until the last second to put up my holiday decor as protest. Unfortunately I really, really, really love Christmas, and would keep decorations up all year if I could.

When do you start decorating for the holidays? Did you decorate earlier than normal this year?


Friday, November 9, 2012

Anniversary Trip

Going on vacation means even more work when you get back, so sorry for the delay on the anniversary trip recap! I know you've all been anxiously waiting. :)

We drove down to Disneyland last week, and after an 11 hour drive (go Mr. Bee!) we finally made it there by 3pm. When we went to buy our tickets, we were informed that the park closed at 6pm that night because of a special event. Since we weren't about to give up, we sucked it up and enjoyed those three hours.

Going on Halloween is great not only because of the decorations, but the costumes. Seeing Abraham Lincoln eating a churro was one of the highlights of my day:

I even went on Splash Mountain and got totally drenched. This is our "Hey cool guy" pose:

Love the decorations!

We spent the night at my parent's house, which was scary because my mom has the most frightening Halloween decorations ever. I'll have to dedicate a whole post to how scary they are. Thankfully I made it through, and the next day Mr. Bee surprised me with two nights at The Montage in Laguna Beach! I mean, seriously surprised me. And I am a tough girl to surprise. 

We stayed here four years ago, right after our wedding, and it was such an amazing experience. Our room overlooked the beach, and we spent the majority of the time lounging, listening to the ocean, and drinking mimosas. Not too shabby in my book.

Look how happy I am! And pale. 

Views like this make me miss California.